Today is a very strange day to be watching the movie industry. Where to start, where to start….

So, Sam Jackson, in keeping with his vein of “If you give me money and it looks like it will be fun, I’ll do it” role choices, has signed on for the remake of Barry Gordy’s The Last Dragon.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

The updated plot will be along the same lines of the original, centering on young martial arts student Leroy Green in his quest through the streets of New York to achieve the highest level of martial arts accomplishment, known as the Last Dragon. Those who achieve the high ranking possess the Glow, making them the greatest fighter alive.

The project, announced by Columbia presidents Doug Belgrad and Matt Tolmach, will take a new look at “Last Dragon” coinciding with the 50th anniversary of Motown next year.

“We’re thrilled to be working with Kerry Gordy as he continues his father’s legacy, and we’re confident that he along with John and Dallas are the perfect team to develop the project,” Belgrad said. “They will capture everything that people love about the original while also bringing a fresh edge to the remake.”

The original, which also starred one-namers Taimak and then-Prince protege Vanity, was released in March 1985 by TriStar Pictures and received lukewarm reviews by critics like Roger Ebert, who gave it 2 1/2 stars and said it was a “great near-miss.”

Despite the reviews, “Last Dragon” did well at the boxoffice, grossing nearly $26 million. It soon became a cult classic for scenes like Bruce Lee follower Green remaining so loyal to the martial arts star that he eats his popcorn in a movie theater with chopsticks.

“I’m a huge fan of the original and look forward to bringing Sho’Nuff into the 21st century,” Jackson said.

Oh and did I mention the RZA from Wu-Tang is co-producing? I’m sure I’ll be there drunkenly yelling things at the screen on release day. But I won’t like myself for it.

Next up we have the announcement that Sam Mendes, the director behind American Beauty and Road to Perdition, as well as behind a bent over Kate Winslett most nights of the week, is attached to direct Preacher. Preacher, along with Transmetropolitan and Sandman, defined Vertigo as THE comic imprint back in the late 90s. How they are going to wrap up 1650 pages of comic into a tight movie, I have no fucking idea. The only reason Watchmen has a chance of working is because it is fairly short. I can’t see this being anything but a pale shadow of the original material.

From Variety:

Sam Mendes will direct a bigscreen adaptation of the supernatural graphic novel “Preacher” for Columbia Pictures.

Created by writer Garth Ennis and artist Steve Dillon, graphic novel focuses on the preacher of a Texas town, who is struggling to get by and is driven only by his strong moral sense. When the city is decimated by an otherworldly force, he embarks on a journey across the country to take on the evil.

Supernatural project is a departure for Mendes, who is best known for tackling suburban angst in such films as “American Beauty” and the upcoming Leonardo DiCaprio-Kate Winslet starrer “Revolutionary Road.”

But Mendes isn’t new to the world of comicbooks: His drama “Road to Perdition” was also adapted from a graphic novel.

There is also a French torture-porn director who is attempting to get the studios to let him remake Clive Barker’s Hellraiser. Why anyone would attempt to remake this movie is beyond me. The first one was, at best, a lucky accident. The movie was carried more on shock value than any real substance. But, what the hell do I know, they are letting Rob Zombie remake Friday the 13th.

From The Hollywood Reporter:

Pascal Laugier, whose horror film “Martyrs” stirred controversy in his native France, is in final negotiations to write and direct Dimension’s re-imagining of “Hellraiser,” one of horrormeister Clive Barker’s best-known creations.

Released in 1987, “Hellraiser” told the story of an unfaithful wife who attempts to assist her dead lover in his escape from hell. The movie introduced viewers to a race of demons called Cenobites, most notably one nicknamed Pinhead — who became one of the most enduring horror characters of the decade — who was summoned using an antique puzzle box.

Dimension has been hoping to relaunch the franchise for the past couple of years, first hiring Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo to write and direct a remake then tapping Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton to write a new draft.

ICM-repped Laugier at least seems to have thematic sympathies with the material, with his “Martyrs” beginning as a revenge movie then entering the grounds of spiritual horror, with torture figuring as a focal point. Torture — though not the so-called horror subgenre of torture porn — also is a key point in “Hellraiser.”

“This is a dream project for me,” Laugier said. “I know Clive Barker’s work very well, and I would never betray what he has done. Fans are expecting a definitive ‘Hellraiser,’ and I don’t want to take that away from them.”

Finally we have…this…

Look, I don’t know what the fuck either, ok? Apparently it is some bad furry porn crossed with the Naboo battle from Star Wars Episode One wrapped around a left over Final Fantasy plot. With a whole lot of C-level actors who are really A-level voice actors thrown in.

I need to go drink now.