My friends and I decided to go see GI Joe on Friday.

Correction, my friends and I and a bottle of whiskey decided to go see GI Joe on Saturday.

The four of us walked out, the previously full bottle of whiskey did not.

We had to hang out in the parking lot for a good hour before we sobered up. And not from the whiskey, but from the beating that shitty movie had given our senses.

And, I’ll tell you this, and the rest of this is going to be a spoiler, but it was a shit movie that you’ll never see anyway, so what do you care?, but I think the original script treatment for the movie might have been good.

Most of the movie revolves around Destro being the main villain, with some creepy scarred guy kicking around in the background talking about nanites and mind control. At the climax of the movie, the scarred guy takes control and calls himself “Commander”. Only to be promptly captured seconds later in some limp-dicked tease at a sequel.

But, there are notes in the movie that make me think something else was supposed to be going on. Early in the movie there’s a bit that Destro’s MARS company makes money by selling both the sword and the shield. In this case, the bad guys are the sword and the Joes and the shield. There are also a few choice lines where you see conflict in Destro, like he’s not the one driving this thing and that he’s frightened of the scarred guy. Both of which are perfect seeds to plant in a movie called “The Rise of Cobra” where the villain for the rest of the franchise is revealed.

What I bet is in the original script treatment is the reveal that Destro’s entire plan was the result of Cobra Commander mind controlling him from the start. That way when MARS goes down and Cobra rises from its ashes, no one connects the two. Also, I bet in the final moment of the movie when the Joes capture the newly revealed Cobra Commander the original script had a bit that varied from the movie by a good amount.

In the movie, Cobra Commander is staring out at a fleet of Joe subs in his badly damaged submarine. He gives up and the movie ends.

In the original script I bet the writers had him given a wry line about the Joes are using the shields he’d sold them, triggering some hidden self-destruct override in their ships and escaping.

You don’t reveal one of the most beloved villains in nerd history just to PROMPTLY FUCKING CASTRATE HIS VILLAINY ON SCREEN. Right now the movie going audience has no idea just how dangerous this man is supposed to be. If he singly handedly stops a Joe fleet and escapes in a “The Game is Afoot!” moment, then you’ve got an investment toward finding out what happens next.

Now you’re left not really giving a damn. Well, not that you should have given a damn in the first place because that movie was fucking horrible.