Ahem.

I hope everyone’s had their morning coffee/blowjob/shot of heroin because we’re starting off today with full-bore crazy.

No-contest plea for woman who had sex with teen — and her German shepherd

Carla Rhea Maldonado, 41, of Palm Coast, was charged in 2008 after a tipster turned over a computer disk depicting her performing oral sex on a then-15-year-old girl in February 2005.

The same disk contained pictures of her having sex with her German shepherd, reports the Daytona Beach News Journal.

That effectively got Maldonado fired — from the Flagler Humane Society, where she worked for nine years as a veterinary technician.

But wait! There’s more turns out only one of these acts is a crime!

She was not charged with any crime in connection with the dog. Bestiality is not against the law in Florida.

If you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a manatee and fuck it within an inch of its life.