Attack Dolphins.

Dolphins are pack animals of near human level intelligence and creativity. We’ve used them to tag mines during wartime. They have language that they learn and teach. And yet, mad scientists always have a tank full of sharks to dispatch unwanted visitors with.

Sharks are little more than giant worms with fins and teeth. Genetically, they’ve been unchanged for longer than just about anything else on the planet. Fuck, I think algae evolves faster than they do. But, I guess it is hard to improve on teeth, guts, fins and not a whole lot else.

You see, when a shark tears into you there’s nothing there. It is like being ripped apart by a living blender. They are cold, simplistic things.

But imagine if dolphins did it. They are already carnivores, so getting them to sink their pointy bits into us shouldn’t be that hard.

(Ok, chief problem there is that we taste bad. It is pretty much our only natural defense. Most anything that’ll take a bite out of us won’t take another. Lack of an sort of marbled meats. We’re either lean or fat. Not a lot of mix. But anyway.)

You could teach dolphins malice. They could taunt you. They could enjoy it. They could learn to do things that you had never thought about. With a little bit of training and some disturbingly positive reinforcement you could have a vicious little bastard on your hand.

Move over Jaws, Flipper is here to kick your ass.

(No, I haven’t been sleeping…why do you ask?)