That’s what you call them, right? Iowans?

Sounds like a race of elves from Lord of the Rings. But don’t tell this guy I said that.

So, 8 Iowans were the difference between Rick Santorum (ubiquitous link to the Google-joke of his name) winning by losing coming second to Mitt Romney and winning by, you know, actually winning.

But thankfully a .000266% difference in final votes meant that Mitt Romney is the guy that won the Republican Iowa Caucus, but completely lost the news cycle to the guy with the anal sex joke last name who wasn’t supposed to win anything at all.

And why wasn’t he supposed to win anything at all?

Because he’s the sort of skin-crawlingly horrible human that makes even staunch conservatives a little uneasy to be around him.

He’s done things like say that homosexuality is on par with incest (he earned the homonym of his name for that one and probably lost his Senate seat because of it, too):

“[I have] a problem with homosexual acts, as I would with what I would consider to be acts outside of traditional heterosexual relationships . . . if the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery.”

He’s also declared all forms of contraception to be against God’s will:

“It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”

Oh yeah, and he thinks that privacy is a made-up, non-Constitutional concept:

“[The] right to privacy…doesn’t exist in my opinion in the United States Constitution.”

If his social stances weren’t horrific enough, he’s also spineless and in the pocket of big businesses – like when he tried to abolish the National Weather Service and hand over all of its functions to Accuweather, one of his biggest campaign contributors.

So, yeah, Rick Santorum, a slimy fecal matter smear of a human being was eight votes within of pulling a come-from-behind (most over used headline joke so far!) win in the first primary election of 2012.

And to those eight Iowans, I have to say thank you. Thank you for voting for one of the great hypocrisy machines in modern politics instead of Santorum. I can suffer through the news cycle of the next few days so long as I know all his bragging doesn’t really mean anything.

As for the rest of the Republican field, Ron Paul came in third and Newt finished fourth. That’s fine for Paul – he won’t be winning anything, but it really is a hit to Newt who was hoping to carve out some space between him and the rest of the pack.

On a completely thrilling and unexpected note, they are said to be readying Michele Bachmann to drop out of the race. Which is great, because for a “Constitutional Conservative” (her words, not mine) she knew pretty much nothing about the Constitution, and was also batshit insane.

Oh lord, we’re only just getting started with this, aren’t we?