I’m going to get all metaphorical on your asses. You all know the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, right?

Well, Goldilocks is going to be a stand in for conservative American voters.

And the three bowls of porridge are going to be represented by Mitt Romney, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

Except none of them are going to be “just right”.

First up you’ve got Mittens “Poor People Are Just Fine” Romney. He tries to make $10,000 bets while live on national television, pays taxes at a lower rate than I do while earning millions more, thinks poor people are cozy with their safety net, and wears magic Mormon underwear (because he is one). He’s probably going to be the nominee unless something goes horribly wrong. But, he won’t win because he’s too out of touch with the common man and he’s not an Evangelical Christian. And if he can’t get the people out of their pews to vote, he won’t even matter.

Rick Santorum, however, will get the people out of their pews. But only those people, and then only those that are so far gone they think that the “gay agenda” is a real thing and don’t mind their children getting pregnant because he’s made it illegal to buy condoms. The rest of the conservatives will look at him and his horribly corrupt record and decide that he’s gone too far off the reservation to ever be allowed near the nuclear launch codes.

Finally, you’ve got Newt. Good ol’ Leave-’em-on-their-death-bed-Gingrich. Newt’s biggest problem is himself. He’s got the history of royally fucking up the Contract with America over Clinton getting a BJ, of leaving not one but two sickly wives for a younger mistress, and changing religion for both of them. And he also comes off as the kind of rarified egotistical prick that should only exist in movie scripts. Women hate him, minorities loathe him, and without either of those voting blocks, there’s no way you’re getting elected.

This is seriously the absolute WORST group of candidates the GOP has put up in my life.

Mark you, I don’t want the Republicans to win, but holy crap, I at least want them to not put up three idiots.